Can I inform you a couple of recreation I’m obsessive about in the meanwhile? I can? Nice. It’s known as Descenders. It’s an excessive mountain biking recreation, made by the excellently named Dutch studio RageSquid. I’ll be sincere, it completely handed me by when it was launched on the Xbox One early final yr, however its latest launch on the PS4 (and the Nintendo Switch) piqued my curiosity.
It’s a reasonably novel little recreation. It’s additionally tonnes of enjoyable. I’d even say, tentatively, it ticks the packing containers the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater video games did for a earlier technology. The programs are procedurally generated, which means you’ll by no means play the identical course twice. The music is nice too, that includes a ton of mellow drum’n’bass cuts I used to be joyful to be launched to. I’m shocked I’ve fallen for a rogue-like mountain biking simulator, however then, to paraphrase Selena Gomez, the guts needs what it needs.
I used to be taking part in it late final night time, munching on a bag of crisps and supping a can of soda. The extra tips you pull off within the recreation, the extra talent you accrue. The extra talent you accrue, the extra goodies – outfit modifications, new helmets, peripheries, bat wings – are unlocked. Commonplace sport recreation fare, however I discovered myself taking issues extraordinarily significantly.
All of us dwell vicariously via the video games we play. Being a Witcher or an murderer, a hedgehog or a plumber, it’s all a part of the enchantment. An escape from actuality. However there, at 3am, pulling off a backwards no-hander, I wasn’t James McMahon, fats slob, however James McMahon mountain-bike professional. After which it struck me. I can’t bear in mind the final time I sat my arse on an precise bike.
I can nearly bear in mind the final time I performed soccer. In Hackney, the day earlier than lockdown started. I’ve performed FIFA 20 nearly daily since, typically for lengthy intervals of time. I take taking part in that recreation fairly significantly too. The opposite day I received thrashed by somebody with the identify ‘Pu55y FC’ and I felt like I’d let progressive males down for the remainder of the day.
I’ve discovered myself gravitating to sports activities video games throughout this weird juncture of historical past. The opposite day my spouse got here into our lounge to see me taking part in Fishing Sim World: Professional Tour and I couldn’t have been extra ashamed of myself if she’d caught me watching porn. In actuality, I’ve been fishing as soon as, with some boys at college. They threw maggots at me and I went dwelling upset, by no means to return once more.
So what’s occurring right here, in my head? A terrifying query, nevertheless it has to have one thing to do with how a lot the COVID period has saved us all cooped up and away from sport. It’s not simply bodily exercise I’ve been craving. The opposite day I discovered myself on YouTube watching kabaddi, the Indian sport which fuses playground basic British Bulldog with Gregorian chanting, one thing these of a sure age who watched a variety of Channel 4 programming within the mid-’90s can be accustomed to.
I’m a rudimentary sports activities man. I performed rugby at college in a pathetic try to make my dad like me. I actually imagine that if I’d by no means found biscuits I might now be planning my testimonial, after a protracted and storied soccer profession. However I all the time lose at tennis. I hate working. I can’t battle. Or bounce very far. Or very excessive. And I refuse to play cricket as a result of I’m not an fool. Do sports activities video games permit me to be ok with myself inside an space I’ve typically felt dangerous? Possibly. However I’m not even superb at sports activities video games, so perhaps not.
I’m unsure I might have come to like Descenders if I had stumbled upon it in one other yr. Possibly there was a purpose I missed it when it emerged in 2019. It’s not like I don’t scour the Xbox Retailer like some form of obese eagle.
I feel perhaps there’s one thing inside me, an inner monologue that’s telling me to “stand up and get exterior. Run wild and be free, get your knees up, let’s get a few of that fats off round your waist”. And in equity, stated monologue talks a variety of sense. There’s one thing in what they’re saying. I’m going to place some shorts on and get energetic.However first? I’ll most likely have one other bag of crisps and play Descenders for an additional hour.